Journal Series: Fear of Failure

Hi, everyone! As you may know, I'm attempting once again to do exposure therapy. I have a lot of reservations going in. I haven't had really good experiences with exposure therapy in the past, and forcing myself to put myself through intense emotional and physical pain on purpose, especially knowing that none of my attempts in the past actually worked, is near impossible.

I was thinking last night and this morning about my fears in relation to doing exposure therapy and one that kept coming up was my fear of failure. I'd previously thought that my fear of failure had abated as my perfectionism got less severe over the past few years, but apparently not.

Here is an excerpt from my journal entry this morning, concerning my fear of failure: "...I’m also terrified of failing. I’ve gone to therapy or done therapy activities countless times and none of them have succeeded. And I know that I’m in a different position now than I was any of those times, but even my attempt last summer didn’t work. And I take failing very personally. Especially since I think I connect all of my failures to my lack of friends. Its like, maybe if I succeed at this one thing, people will hear about it and think “hey, maybe she’s worth talking to now.” Which is crappy. Both because that shouldn’t be my goal and because that’s a crappy way to talk about people and to get friends. But everything I do, every action I take, its not to make myself feel better, its not for me. Its so that maybe someone with hear about it and think “oh, she’s really cool, maybe I’ll talk to her.” Every action I take. Painting my nails. Crocheting cool stuff. Therapy. Buying new clothes. Going outside. And it sucks because I don’t want to live my life like that. But I’m so… damaged and traumatized by my abandonment that the only thing I can think of, even subconsciously, is to do things that catch people’s attention. And I try not to, I try to do things because I want to do them, but I inevitably end up doing them for other people. My self worth is so wrapped up in my capabilities and my fear of failure that I don’t know where to begin unravelling it. I learned at a very young age that if you fail, people don’t like you. If you succeed, people do. And as a very lonely and socially inept child, I took that message to heart. My academic achievements are, in part, because I love learning. But they’re mostly just an attempt to be better. If I do better, I get better, then I’ll be good enough to help other people. And if I’m good enough to help other people, then people will keep me around and talk to me because they know I can and will help them. It sucks to acknowledge that nothing I’ve done in my entire life is for myself. Everything has been done in the pursuit of friendship and being less alone. I suppose I need to work on my fear of failure before I start exposure therapy."

I'd like to talk about it in a little more depth and detail, as some of what I wrote probably doesn't make sense to other people if they don't know my whole life story. I'm going to talk about it in chronological order in the way it happened, not the order that I wrote it in.

I was a lonely and socially inept child. I wasn't socialized a lot before I entered school and because of that, I didn't always understand the intricacies and social mores of interaction. I learned very young that if you didn't have any talents, if you didn't play sports, if you weren't very good at social interaction, the only way people kept you around was if you were useful. Well, the only thing that I was good at was school. So I excelled. And it kept me from being at the total bottom of the social ladder.

As I got older, I started getting more friends, more people seemed to want to talk to me. And it wasn't just because I was useful. I loved it. But then my anxiety got so bad that I was forced to leave regular public school. People stopped seeing me on a regular basis. I couldn't even hang out with them because of my anxiety. And eventually they lost interest in me. So I had failed at the one thing that I cared about more than anything in the world: having friends.

In the past 5 years, I reverted back to my old mental training that said that if I was useful, people would keep me around. I constantly offered other people help. I sent them gifts. I tried my hardest to do cool things in spite of my anxiety. All so that other people could see what I was doing and think that I was worth keeping around. None of it worked. Apparently the "can't hang out" defect is harder to overcome than "never learned how to interact with others."

All my brain can think is "If you fail, people will not like you." And part of that is a fallacy, people can like other people who fail. People can be friends with other people who fail. But, given my circumstances, part of that is true. I've been incapable of getting or keeping friends because of my anxiety. My only chance to not be this alone forever is exposure therapy. And the enormity of this burden is keeping me from starting the therapy.

I wrote in a twitter thread last night that one of the reasons why I'm reluctant to get a therapist involved is because the less people who know about me doing therapy, the less people who will know if I fail; who will be disappointed in me if I fail.

I think that the main difference between me and a lot of other people who have a fear of failure is that it didn't stem from my parents attitude toward me. It came from my peers. I actually have another post in my drafts about the importance of peers in the development of self esteem issues and perfectionism.

As I stated in my journal entry, my self esteem is so wrapped up in my capabilities and my fear of failure that I don't know where to start unravelling it. I've spent my entire life believing that in order for people to like me, in order to have friends, I have to succeed. That failing is unforgivable. And I need to work on that before I start exposure therapy, or I'm just going to be subconsciously holding myself back from giving the therapy all of my effort. The less effort I put into it, the less of a failure it is if I do end up failing. If I don't give it my all, then I have an easy excuse for the failure. "Well, its not surprising that I failed, I didn't really put in enough effort." And then people have a reason to stick around for another attempt, if I do make another attempt instead of just curling up into a ball of shame and rage for the rest of my life. But I don't have the years that are probably required to understand and work on my fear of failure. I need to start exposure therapy soon, or I'm just going to keep putting it off for years and years until I eventually die, even more lonely than I currently am.

Wow that was all depressing. Now that I've gotten all of that out, here's a small bit of positivity.

I'm going to try to set small goals. The goal of being able to do and leave my house as I please is a ginormous goal that will likely take years to achieve. And if I set that as a goal, it will be very difficult for me to not take failures and setbacks, even small ones, to heart. I think I will set goals for the amount of time I will spend on therapy, not on the outcome. I have no way of controlling the outcome. I could work for weeks or months and not really achieve much. But setting goals on the amount of time I spend on therapy is something that I can control. That way, I have no goals or expectations set on the outcome.

I hope that you enjoyed this first post in the journal series. I can't promise when I'll be back, but I hope to have more content ready to post soon.

Love always,
Sam

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Journal Series

Hi, everyone! As I promised, I'm going to try to post more frequently this year. I still don't know how frequently, as it depends on life circumstances, but I am trying to post more often.

With that being said, I think I want to introduce a series where I take excerpts from my journal and write about them more in depth and, obviously, in a place where people can see them. 

I have some ideas already about which entries I'd like to talk about on my blog, and one that I know of for sure. So watch for a post coming in the next few days.

Love always,

Sam

2018 Wrapup!

Hi everyone! I apologize for the long hiatus between posts, I've been super busy with the holidays and everything and haven't had a chance to do much else. My goal for this blog in 2019 is to post more frequently.

Now, I usually post an end of the year summary/accomplishments list/idk what to call it on Instagram. However, I'm having a really hard time dealing with watching other people do cool stuff while I'm currently incapable of leaving my house or even really having people over, so I deleted Instagram--at least until the New Year is over. So, I'm going to post it here instead. Because of the difference in format, I'll be able to go into more detail than I usually do on my Instagram posts.

I'm going to go in mostly chronological order.

I started exercising around the first week of 2018. Because of my previous lack of exercise, and then my tendency for exercise-induced migraines, it wasn't--and still isn't--vigorous exercise. I have a stationary bike set up in my room and I usually use it for at least 5 minutes a day (I can't do much more than 5 minutes at a time without risking a migraine).

I finally went to see a neurologist after having migraines for 5 years. He helped me recover from my Imitrex (migraine medication) addiction. He also prescribed me Topamax (a preventative medication for migraines), and although I couldn't continue taking it because of the side effects, it was good to test out some of my options. Additionally, on his recommendation, I started taking co-q10 and magnesium. They made a big dent in the number of my migraines. He also got me a prescription for the Cefaly device. Its an electrode that stimulates the nerve that causes migraines. It has made dealing with my migraines a lot easier because I don't have to rely on medications.

I turned 18 in March. My birthday was pretty crappy because I got a really bad migraine and spent most of the day crying, but I'm an adult now! I suppose that's something to be happy about.

In the last week or so of March I had another really bad breakdown and almost went to the hospital. In truth, it was more because I was so unbelievably nauseous that I could barely move. That was also why I went to a psych facility in November 2017. I finally got it to stop by taking my as needed meds (Seroquel and Vistaril) back to back for days. Now, it took me at least a few more weeks to figure it out, but that awful unending nausea that I get when I've been anxious for an extended period of time? Its adrenaline. As best as I can figure, because I've had an anxiety disorder for so long, my body's metabolizing processes for adrenaline are messed up. However, I've had great success in taking an essential oil blend called Zendocrine, which stimulates the endocrine system and, in my case, generally removes the built-up adrenaline from my body.

(I also developed contamination-related OCD around this time; fun)

After I recovered from that episode, I started really committing myself to therapy. Granted, I was doing it on my own because I can't really go see someone (or even do videocalls), but I have a strong enough history with therapy that I believed that I would be able to succeed on my own. Most of what I was doing was cognitive behavioral therapy. I'll come back to this later.

I started working on my dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking). I've had the condition for years and because of it, the habit is very ingrained and I have scars all over. Even now, after about 8 months of working on it, its not gone completely, but I do believe that its much better than it used to be.

My therapy had a wrench thrown in it by a different symptom--headaches. But they were different headaches than I was used to getting. It took me months to figure out, but eventually I discovered that they were from allergies. Really confusing, since I don't have any traditional allergy symptoms, just the headaches. Some of them were also caused by nerve sensitivity on my forehead from using the Cefaly device on the prevent setting. Long story short, I spent my summer burning my forehead in a desperate attempt to get rid of the headaches (heat plus lavender essential oil worked for a while). The longer they lasted, the more migraine-like symptoms I got. And I was getting them for hours and hours every day, even after I started taking allergy medication (I tried all three main ones and none of them eliminated the headaches completely). So I was basically useless all summer. But the headaches continued into the fall, even after I stopped using the Cefaly on prevent in the beginning of November. Granted, they did slow down, and they weren't as bad as before, but they're still there. I'm currently taking Claritin and Flonase. Taking allergy medication constantly, especially allergy medication that doesn't even work properly, isn't something that I want to do, but I don't really have another choice.

I graduated from high school with a 4.26 GPA in June. Ah, sweet freedom. And the depression that came with the understanding that, because of my anxiety, spending my high school years entirely focused on academics instead of therapy meant that it was all for naught, as I can't go to college yet. But still, freedom :)

I started doing a few of the physical therapy exercises that I was given for my knees and hips 5 years ago that I never actually did. I've kept up the practice daily since August.

I also restarted mindfulness meditation. I had been doing it the previous year, but stopped after it started giving me panic attacks. It took me a bit, but I got used to doing it again (and finally stopped getting panic attacks from it). I also worked more on incorporating the practice into my daily life than I had previously, which makes a big difference on it effectiveness.

Watching all of my peers head off to college in the fall while I stayed at home, not really in contact with anyone was... difficult. But I made it through it from the knowledge that going to college right now would kill me.

I started doing progressive muscle relaxation on a daily basis at the beginning of September, after finding a script that didn't have me tighten my muscles in a way that popped my rib out of place very violently. It does still cause it to pop out of place (everything does tbh), but its not as violent, so it doesn't hurt as much.

In September, I emailed the lady who had been my English teacher to ask about a project that I had meant to do for the school in my last semester, but had put off for health reasons. She agreed to have me do it and I started near the end of September. Basically, I create trigger warning lists for the English books that they teach there. There were, I think, 12 in total. As of the end of 2018, I've done 9 of them. After I finish those books, I'll move on to doing others. Not for the school, but just to put on my other blog.

I had a spike in my anxiety and panic attacks when I first started the project, but I handled them incredibly well.

Sometime in the late summer or early fall, I also started working on trying to break the maladaptive daydreaming cycle that I've been stuck in for years. I wrote a post about it in November, so check it out if you want more information on that.

Now back to therapy. It became clear to me that what I was doing wasn't working. Perhaps my thinking isn't as distorted as it was, and I do generally deal with anxiety better than before, but I still can't come near leaving my house. So I started to try something different. Up until then (October, I think) I was using a workbook on cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety and phobias. But that workbook mentioned something else, so I bought a different workbook and started using that. It is on acceptance and commitment therapy. Let me tell you, that book has brought up a lot of difficult emotions. I understand the science behind it, but understanding it and applying it are two different things. I've spent years believing that getting rid of my anxious thoughts and feelings was the right goal. So reading that my fight with said thoughts and feelings is the problem, even though that's true, is difficult to deal with. So, I'm currently working on acceptance and commitment therapy. I'll probably post updates from time to time.

My depression, which seemed to be being held back by my therapy and the antidepressant, is now swallowing me. Yay. I'm still functioning, kind of, but its really hard. I'm being crushed under the weight of 5 years of loneliness and the unfortunate belief that I'll always be like this.

I think that's about it for chronological events, but I did do a few other things that I think are worth noting.

I continued crocheting, really refining my skill. I even made a sweater for my grandmas dog.

I started teaching myself how to play chess.

I recorded myself reading the entirety of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone as a gift for a friend.

I attempted, and mostly succeeded, a wood transfer as a present for my parents. You know, using mod podge, a wood board, and a picture. I consider this an accomplishment because I haven't been doing a whole lot of creative things recently.

I read more books this year than I ever remember reading before. I read 62 books. All but 5 of them I've read since June. I had previously stopped reading almost entirely because of my migraines (I only read 17 in 2017). Some of those books I read more than once, and some of them I had read in previous years, but, yes, 62 books. Minus all of my rereadings of Harry Potter.


I have a few goals for 2019 that I'd like to share.

• I'd like to be able to talk to a therapist at least once so that I can get a professional opinion on what I should do next.
• I'd like to finally stop picking at my skin.
• I'd like to cultivate a better relationship with my anxiety and my maladaptive daydreaming. Hopefully that better relationship with lead to a decrease in symptoms as well.
• I'd like to create a trigger warning list for at least 1 book a month.
• I'd like to keep working on my crocheting; maybe even selling a few pieces if I get good enough/make enough.
• I'd like to take an online class sometime during the year, once I'm stable enough.
• I'd like to start tapering down my meds, as neither of them seem to be doing what I had hoped they would do. 
• I'd like to make a few new friends. I've only made 1 new friend in 5 years, I'd like a few more. 

I'm sure there are other things that I'd like to do, but I believe that those are the basics.

Please remember, it is enough if all you did this year was survive. I know how hard it can be to see other people list their accomplishments when you feel that you haven't done anything. So let me repeat: it is okay if all you did this year was survive. By and large, I make these lists mainly for myself so that I can see what I have done or survived. That's why I didn't only include "good" things; I also included the "bad."

I hope everyone has a happy new year and I look forward to watching you thrive in 2019.

Love always,

Sam

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