My apologies for not posting sooner! I've been really busy the past few weeks (by my standards at least), so while I have had a number of ideas for posts, I haven't gotten around to writing any of them. However, since its World Mental Health Day, I figured I'd write up a little something, even if it turns out to be really short. So, I'm going to attempt to string my thoughts together in a somewhat coherent manner during my free time, while fighting off a headache. Happy fun times!
Now, I know that most of what is going to be talked about today is going to be the less-stigmatized disorders such as depression and anxiety. This is good, as talking about any sort of mental illness is good. But the more stigmatized disorders also need to be touched upon as well. I'm no expert, despite years of research, so I'll restrict myself to talking about the one that I have personal experience with--bipolar disorder.
I'm going to share a little bit of my experience with bipolar disorder and other mood disruptions.
Note from after writing this post: I was also going to talk about what I think that everyone should work on over the next year (until World Mental Health Day 2019), mental health-wise, but I've ran out of time, so I'll talk about that on another day.
Now, I've had mood swings of varying intensity since I was very young, some of which were probably normal kid things and some that I attribute, looking back, to a growing mood disorder. Some of my first memories of mood swings were when I was probably in elementary school. By then I'd already developed an anxiety disorder, though it didn't know it yet. But I clearly remember I would have these episodes where I would start laughing at something and I would laugh hysterically for like an hour and then it would suddenly stop and I would feel drained and if I'm remembering correctly, a bit depressed. I honestly don't know if those were precursors to the bipolar mood swings that I get now or not.
As with my anxiety, I didn't recognize what those mood swings were at the time. Even when I was first put on an antidepressant when I was like 12 (for anxiety), and the psychiatrist asked me if I had mood swings (because being on an antidepressant can sometimes make non-unipolar mood disorders worse), I said no. A little ridiculous, since I was going through puberty at the time and DEFINITELY had mood swings, even if they were just from puberty rather than an undiagnosed mood disorder. (I'll talk about my experience with medications in a different post, but I didn't stay on that one very long.)
It actually took me probably a year or more to realize that I did experience mood swings. By the time I was 15-16, I was actively looking into the possibility of me having a mood disorder. Most of it was through online research, as my anxiety disorder made it almost impossible to go see a doctor. I originally thought that I might have borderline personality disorder (which isn't actually a personality disorder at all--the name is wrong but they can't think of a better one). My reasoning was that I, generally, cycle very rapidly. I mentioned this to a therapist who came out to my house to see me in the fall of 2016. She suggested that I had something else, probably bipolar disorder, though I can't remember exactly (the drawback of having severe anxiety and migraines is that my memory is TERRIBLE).
That fall/winter I experienced my first recognized months-long depressive episode. I believe that I had them previously, but as I wasn't seeing a therapist and didn't take medical notes or pay that close of attention to my body and mind, I can't say for sure when they happened or for how long. I honestly had a very hard time making it through that winter. And then 2017 came along and it was... a fiasco. Again, an explanation for another time. But long story short, I made a variety of bad decisions that led to my mental health somehow getting worse.
As per usual, my months-long depressive episode started in late August. But because of my severely worsening anxiety disorders, it did not end in December the way it did the year previously. No, even though I started (and stuck with) an antidepressant in the beginning of November, that depressive episode didn't start to lift until April of 2018. 8 months. I spent 8 months in a haze, feeling like everything and everyone was out to get me, like every second was insurmountable--a feeling that was worsened by my horrific levels of anxiety.
Anyways, after that ended, I began to dedicate myself more to therapy, though admittedly, I do that therapy without the help of a psychologist. I've spent the past 5 months learning coping skills and such. I also put together a list of things to do if the depression starts creeping back in. Now, knock on wood, it's 2 weeks into October and as far as I can tell, I've managed to hold the depression at bay. I'm hoping that between the coping strategies and the antidepressant that I'm still taking, I won't have to suffer the way that I did for at least the last 2 years.
I was officially diagnosed (I think) with bipolar disorder with mixed episodes in September of 2017. Though it might have been a tentative diagnosis until my 18th birthday in March of this year, as they don't really like to diagnose bipolar disorder in minors.
I've mainly talked about my depressive episodes in this post, as I can usually manage my hypomanic episodes fairly well. Most likely due to my high level of self control and the fact that my severe anxiety prevents me from making rash decisions. However, I do still get those and I'll go into more detail about them at a later time, I don't want this post to get too long and I really need to go take a shower.
My apologies for undoubtedly writing a post that is long-winded and slightly nonsensical, I write the way I talk, which tends towards long-winded and nonsensical.
If you have any questions or whatever, please let me know in the comment section.
I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe day!
Love always,
Sam
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