Hi, everyone! My apologies for the long wait in between original posts, I've had a very busy few months. Anyways, this has been in my drafts since partway through April, and I decided that it was high time that I actually finished and published it. It's another part in the Journal Series, this time on the fear of not being in control.
Here is the journal entry from April 22, 2019, that this post is based on: "I’m still doing the real
life car exposures, and I should really move up to actually going places in the car rather
than just sitting in it with it off, but I’m having trouble giving up the
control that I have thus far had in my exposures and my life in general.
Because I don’t have a drivers license, in order to do the exposures I have to
have someone else drive me around, which means that I am ultimately at the
whims of them. I can’t just stop and have everything suddenly be over like I
can with exposures that I do at home. And if I freak out, I will have an
audience. A sympathetic audience but an audience nonetheless. I’m giving myself
until Thursday night to decide whether I want to keep my appointment for April
30th or if I want to reschedule it to a later date. In order to know
for sure whether I’ll feel comfortable doing the appointment, I should really
have driven around at least a few times before I make my decision. Its Monday,
so I need to get a move on it. But I’m still having trouble dealing with giving
up the control that I generally desperately cling to. "
For as long as I remember, I've always wanted--needed--to be in control. Likely stemming from my generally anxious disposition, the compulsive need to be in control has just gotten worse and worse as I've gotten older. The events leading up to and since my isolation began have been largely due to my need to control everything. I couldn't control other people's actions, so I stopped being around other people. I couldn't control my body's responses to stress, so I removed myself from as many stressful situations as I possibly could. I didn't go to doctors appointments. I didn't hang out with friends. I didn't do anything that made it so I couldn't control 95% of what was happening.
I think that that is why I was drawn to daydreaming so much. It might not always feel like it, but I control my daydreams 100%. And as someone who fears being not in control as much as I do, that is very appealing. After all, why bother dealing with the unpredictability of life when you can constantly daydream of a different life, a different world, and one that you control completely?
As you can see from the excerpt from my journal, I came across this fear once again when I began doing exposures. Now, I'm not going to go in detail here about all of the exposures that I've done since this journal entry (note to self: you really need to post another exposure therapy update) because that isn't the focus of this post.
As I explained, I have done absolutely everything in my power to be as in control of my life as possible over the past 5 years. That meant isolating myself almost completely and daydreaming whenever I was feeling out of control in my real life. And back when I first started doing the car ride exposures, I really struggled with the idea of being at the whim of whoever was driving, since I don't have a drivers license so I'm unable to do the exposures by myself. Not that I don't trust my parents (the people who would be helping me with the exposures), but I've clung so desperately to any level of control I could for pretty much my entire life that the idea of not being in control was... incredibly unpleasant.
I did manage to sit with my fear and start doing the exposures, which was a giant step in and of itself. It was a bit touch and go at first as I was getting used to everything, especially since my dad did do what I feared would happen once and didn't consult me before taking a different route than I thought we were going to.
After that happened, I was a bit hesitant to continue the exposures, but I assertively communicated to my dad that what he did wasn't okay and that even though I knew he didn't do it to hurt me, it still broke down some of the trust that I was putting in him when doing those exposures. Luckily, he understood and apologized, and since then he has done a pretty good job of always asking me where I want to go and sticking to it.
The bottom line is this: The fear of not being in control is pervasive. Pretty much everyone feels it to some degree. And its easy and understandable to want to cling to control as much as you can. But take it from someone who did that to about the highest degree possible--its no way to live your life. Wanting to be in control is okay but removing unpredictable parts from your life and allowing your fear of not being in control to, well, control you--isn't.
I've learned a lot in the almost 2 months since I started doing those specific exposures. But the main thing is that while the unpredictability of life is scary, removing that unpredictability isn't healthy. There are always going to unpredictable aspects in your life--even if you do what I did. And by not allowing yourself to experience those things and to feel the way that you feel, you're damaging your ability to deal with them.
Love always,
Sam
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P.S. I did end up rescheduling that appointment, its on the 18th of this month (June). I'll post an update on my exposure therapy progress after that appointment, so probably in about 2 weeks.
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