Hi, everyone! In my last post I promised that I would write an update on how my exposure therapy is going after I went to the first appointment that I was preparing for. That was last Tuesday, and in typical Sam fashion, I have been procrastinating writing the update since then. However, I set aside some time today to write it and I'm doing my best to follow through.
A little summary of what I'd been doing up until my previous update (10 weeks ago) and my motivations for committing to exposure therapy: At the end of March I found out that in order to get one of my (very essential) prescriptions refilled, I needed to go in for an actual appointment instead of just a telemedicine appointment, which is what I've been doing for my other meds. I very quickly started putting together an exposure therapy plan based on acceptance and commitment therapy. Up until my last update I had been mostly doing sentence exposures for my fears of germs and social situations and watching dashcam videos of car rides and listening to a subliminal audio to work on my horrible motion sickness.
Looking back at what I wrote then, so much has changed in the past 10 weeks.
3 days after the update, I began doing actual car ride exposures. It took me a bit, and a lot of schedule shifting, to figure out when was the best time to do them, but I now get up earlier in the morning so my dad can take me for an exposure before he goes to work (I don't have a drivers license, so I can't do them by myself). These exposures were very difficult at first, and they sometimes still are. However, I am making quite a bit of progress. it would be nice to make progress faster, but I'm still miles ahead (literally) than I was before I started the exposures. Yesterday I made it as far from the house as I ever have during these exposures. About 7 miles out, all the way to the DMV, which is the site of my next scheduled appointment. It can be very frustrating at times when some days I'm able to do a lot more and go a lot farther than others, so this entire process is a lesson in self-forgiveness and understanding that progress is not linear.
I did begin doing other real life exposures as well, though I don't do them quite as much as the car ride ones. They're mostly just things in my everyday life that I would normally avoid, like using a fork that has a stain on it, or not sanitizing my hands before taking some of my meds. I still have to deal with the intrusive thoughts about germs and such, and it would be nice if I didn't, but I don't see that happening, so I'm doing my best to expose myself to situations that cause the intrusive thoughts so that I can learn to keep going even with them, without overwhelming myself so much that I can't function. I'll continue to work on this, but the real test will be when cold season begins next fall.
Onto the appointment. I was understandably very anxious beforehand. My digestive system was freaking out and I felt like I was going to pass out and I kept lashing out at my family from stress (having stress-triggered anger issues is fun). However, I stuck with it, albeit after taking a Vistaril to dampen some of the anxiety, and I made it to the appointment. I conversed with 4 different people, not including my dad, who took me to the appointment, I managed to get all of my points across, and I even used a public bathroom. By the end of the appointment, I'd calmed down enough (likely from relief at getting the appointment done with and from the Vistaril) that we actually stopped at the store on the way home, which is something that I'd only done twice before during the exposure therapy.
It took me a while to recover. I spent most of the rest of Tuesday watching movies, reading fanfiction, and doing whatever I wanted. I skipped the car ride exposure on Wednesday morning to give myself some more time to recover. Even with that, the exposures over the past week have been fairly difficult. Whenever I go through something stressful it unbalances my nervous system and it can take a very long time for it to get back to normal. Fortunately, it seems like things are leveling off now.
Overall, I've made a lot of progress in the 13 weeks since I started exposure therapy. I've been communicating with others more, doing more, balancing my life better. I'm even working on setting some stuff up so that I can watch movies with a friend of mine who lives far away. My progress is especially something to celebrate given that I managed to do all of it while dealing with a recurrence of my chronic headaches, which I get every day and that make functioning near impossible.
As I mentioned earlier, my next appointment is at the DMV on July 11th. I never went down there to get my ID when I turned 18, and I need it in order to do some other life stuff that I've been working on. At this point, I'm not sure if I'll be ready, since its in like 2 1/2 weeks and I'm expecting it to be more stressful than my last appointment (not the least of which because having my ID is going to open up my life to other things that I can and want to do but that are stressful), but it'll be like a month and a half after that before the next available appointment, so I'll probably force myself to go just because I don't feel like waiting that long.
I don't know when I'll post my next exposure therapy update. Perhaps once I've made a bit more progress I'll write a post that goes into detail explaining the things that I've been doing for exposure therapy, how I feel/felt about them, and maybe include links or examples.
In the meantime, if you have any questions about the exposure therapy that you'd like me to answer, feel free to leave them in the comments section and I'll get to them as soon as possible.
Love always,
Sam
Ways to support me:
Patreon
Paypal
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
Monday, June 10, 2019
Journal Series: Fear of Not Being in Control
Hi, everyone! My apologies for the long wait in between original posts, I've had a very busy few months. Anyways, this has been in my drafts since partway through April, and I decided that it was high time that I actually finished and published it. It's another part in the Journal Series, this time on the fear of not being in control.
Here is the journal entry from April 22, 2019, that this post is based on: "I’m still doing the real life car exposures, and I should really move up to actually going places in the car rather than just sitting in it with it off, but I’m having trouble giving up the control that I have thus far had in my exposures and my life in general. Because I don’t have a drivers license, in order to do the exposures I have to have someone else drive me around, which means that I am ultimately at the whims of them. I can’t just stop and have everything suddenly be over like I can with exposures that I do at home. And if I freak out, I will have an audience. A sympathetic audience but an audience nonetheless. I’m giving myself until Thursday night to decide whether I want to keep my appointment for April 30th or if I want to reschedule it to a later date. In order to know for sure whether I’ll feel comfortable doing the appointment, I should really have driven around at least a few times before I make my decision. Its Monday, so I need to get a move on it. But I’m still having trouble dealing with giving up the control that I generally desperately cling to. "
For as long as I remember, I've always wanted--needed--to be in control. Likely stemming from my generally anxious disposition, the compulsive need to be in control has just gotten worse and worse as I've gotten older. The events leading up to and since my isolation began have been largely due to my need to control everything. I couldn't control other people's actions, so I stopped being around other people. I couldn't control my body's responses to stress, so I removed myself from as many stressful situations as I possibly could. I didn't go to doctors appointments. I didn't hang out with friends. I didn't do anything that made it so I couldn't control 95% of what was happening.
I think that that is why I was drawn to daydreaming so much. It might not always feel like it, but I control my daydreams 100%. And as someone who fears being not in control as much as I do, that is very appealing. After all, why bother dealing with the unpredictability of life when you can constantly daydream of a different life, a different world, and one that you control completely?
As you can see from the excerpt from my journal, I came across this fear once again when I began doing exposures. Now, I'm not going to go in detail here about all of the exposures that I've done since this journal entry (note to self: you really need to post another exposure therapy update) because that isn't the focus of this post.
As I explained, I have done absolutely everything in my power to be as in control of my life as possible over the past 5 years. That meant isolating myself almost completely and daydreaming whenever I was feeling out of control in my real life. And back when I first started doing the car ride exposures, I really struggled with the idea of being at the whim of whoever was driving, since I don't have a drivers license so I'm unable to do the exposures by myself. Not that I don't trust my parents (the people who would be helping me with the exposures), but I've clung so desperately to any level of control I could for pretty much my entire life that the idea of not being in control was... incredibly unpleasant.
I did manage to sit with my fear and start doing the exposures, which was a giant step in and of itself. It was a bit touch and go at first as I was getting used to everything, especially since my dad did do what I feared would happen once and didn't consult me before taking a different route than I thought we were going to.
After that happened, I was a bit hesitant to continue the exposures, but I assertively communicated to my dad that what he did wasn't okay and that even though I knew he didn't do it to hurt me, it still broke down some of the trust that I was putting in him when doing those exposures. Luckily, he understood and apologized, and since then he has done a pretty good job of always asking me where I want to go and sticking to it.
The bottom line is this: The fear of not being in control is pervasive. Pretty much everyone feels it to some degree. And its easy and understandable to want to cling to control as much as you can. But take it from someone who did that to about the highest degree possible--its no way to live your life. Wanting to be in control is okay but removing unpredictable parts from your life and allowing your fear of not being in control to, well, control you--isn't.
I've learned a lot in the almost 2 months since I started doing those specific exposures. But the main thing is that while the unpredictability of life is scary, removing that unpredictability isn't healthy. There are always going to unpredictable aspects in your life--even if you do what I did. And by not allowing yourself to experience those things and to feel the way that you feel, you're damaging your ability to deal with them.
Love always,
Sam
Ways to support me:
Patreon
Paypal
P.S. I did end up rescheduling that appointment, its on the 18th of this month (June). I'll post an update on my exposure therapy progress after that appointment, so probably in about 2 weeks.
Here is the journal entry from April 22, 2019, that this post is based on: "I’m still doing the real life car exposures, and I should really move up to actually going places in the car rather than just sitting in it with it off, but I’m having trouble giving up the control that I have thus far had in my exposures and my life in general. Because I don’t have a drivers license, in order to do the exposures I have to have someone else drive me around, which means that I am ultimately at the whims of them. I can’t just stop and have everything suddenly be over like I can with exposures that I do at home. And if I freak out, I will have an audience. A sympathetic audience but an audience nonetheless. I’m giving myself until Thursday night to decide whether I want to keep my appointment for April 30th or if I want to reschedule it to a later date. In order to know for sure whether I’ll feel comfortable doing the appointment, I should really have driven around at least a few times before I make my decision. Its Monday, so I need to get a move on it. But I’m still having trouble dealing with giving up the control that I generally desperately cling to. "
For as long as I remember, I've always wanted--needed--to be in control. Likely stemming from my generally anxious disposition, the compulsive need to be in control has just gotten worse and worse as I've gotten older. The events leading up to and since my isolation began have been largely due to my need to control everything. I couldn't control other people's actions, so I stopped being around other people. I couldn't control my body's responses to stress, so I removed myself from as many stressful situations as I possibly could. I didn't go to doctors appointments. I didn't hang out with friends. I didn't do anything that made it so I couldn't control 95% of what was happening.
I think that that is why I was drawn to daydreaming so much. It might not always feel like it, but I control my daydreams 100%. And as someone who fears being not in control as much as I do, that is very appealing. After all, why bother dealing with the unpredictability of life when you can constantly daydream of a different life, a different world, and one that you control completely?
As you can see from the excerpt from my journal, I came across this fear once again when I began doing exposures. Now, I'm not going to go in detail here about all of the exposures that I've done since this journal entry (note to self: you really need to post another exposure therapy update) because that isn't the focus of this post.
As I explained, I have done absolutely everything in my power to be as in control of my life as possible over the past 5 years. That meant isolating myself almost completely and daydreaming whenever I was feeling out of control in my real life. And back when I first started doing the car ride exposures, I really struggled with the idea of being at the whim of whoever was driving, since I don't have a drivers license so I'm unable to do the exposures by myself. Not that I don't trust my parents (the people who would be helping me with the exposures), but I've clung so desperately to any level of control I could for pretty much my entire life that the idea of not being in control was... incredibly unpleasant.
I did manage to sit with my fear and start doing the exposures, which was a giant step in and of itself. It was a bit touch and go at first as I was getting used to everything, especially since my dad did do what I feared would happen once and didn't consult me before taking a different route than I thought we were going to.
After that happened, I was a bit hesitant to continue the exposures, but I assertively communicated to my dad that what he did wasn't okay and that even though I knew he didn't do it to hurt me, it still broke down some of the trust that I was putting in him when doing those exposures. Luckily, he understood and apologized, and since then he has done a pretty good job of always asking me where I want to go and sticking to it.
The bottom line is this: The fear of not being in control is pervasive. Pretty much everyone feels it to some degree. And its easy and understandable to want to cling to control as much as you can. But take it from someone who did that to about the highest degree possible--its no way to live your life. Wanting to be in control is okay but removing unpredictable parts from your life and allowing your fear of not being in control to, well, control you--isn't.
I've learned a lot in the almost 2 months since I started doing those specific exposures. But the main thing is that while the unpredictability of life is scary, removing that unpredictability isn't healthy. There are always going to unpredictable aspects in your life--even if you do what I did. And by not allowing yourself to experience those things and to feel the way that you feel, you're damaging your ability to deal with them.
Love always,
Sam
Ways to support me:
Patreon
Paypal
P.S. I did end up rescheduling that appointment, its on the 18th of this month (June). I'll post an update on my exposure therapy progress after that appointment, so probably in about 2 weeks.
Sunday, June 2, 2019
June Update! (From my Patreon)
Hi, everyone! I feel like I always start these off by expressing my amazement at how fast the previous month went by and this time is no different. May went by ridiculously fast. Like, it feels like it should still be the beginning. On Friday I saw that a package I ordered is supposed to be delivered on June 5th and I verbally complained about it for like 10 seconds before I realized that June 5th is actually less than a week away.
May was really busy for me. Between therapy, crocheting, and just other life stuff, I was super busy.
I did cut down on "official" therapy time, so now I try to do more real life exposures that I can do in my everyday life, instead of spending a ridiculous amount of time on imaginal exposures. That's made my days slightly less busy. I've been able to drive all the way to where my first appointment is twice already, so I'm literally miles ahead of where I was a few months ago and that's definitely something to celebrate.
I hit a bit of a snag in my etsy store plan when I realized that I need a business license, a seller's permit, and to file a "doing business as" statement. None of which I can get before I have an ID, and I won't have one of those until after my DMV appointment on July 11th. So for right now, the new tentative time for opening the store is somewhere in August. But that's okay. I'm using this extra time to do some market research (this is a link to a form that you can fill out if you'd like) and to build up more of a stock.
I finished revising the last trigger warning list for the school on the 24th. I'm really happy with the work that I did. The 12 books ended up taking me just under 140 hours to complete (with one rereading so that I could check for things I missed). I am going to eventually start creating lists for other books, but as of right now I don't have anything scheduled.
I took a pretty easy and short class (I didn't pay so that I could turn in assignments so it was mostly just reading and watch class materials) on becoming an entrepreneur. Not all of it applied to my situation, but I think I still learned some stuff. Now I'm going to move on to using khan academy to reteach myself chemistry and geometry (I sucked at chemistry and I only took half of geometry way back in 8th grade, so despite understanding calculus I'm very bad at trig) before I hopefully start college this fall.
Another sort of important life update that you probably won't see much about but that is a big deal for me: my dog Sugar blew out her ACL recently and we're probably going to have to do surgery. Which is sad. And expensive. She's 11 already and we don't know how much longer she's going to live, but in my opinion, I think we should make sure she's as comfortable as she can be for however much time she has left. So having her actually be able to walk would be beneficial.
I think that's about it for life updates. I'm going to continue to work on therapy, crocheting, and learning. And at some point, I'll figure out what kind of actual content I want to put here on my patreon. If anyone has any suggestions, I would definitely be open to them.
Love always,
Sam
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